It's that time of life where a lot of people I know are dating and getting engaged and married (not quite to the having-kids phase yet, thank goodness). I'm still at a point of next to total inexperience. Two dates (and that's a stretch to label them as such) total. That's it. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be engaged or married yet. I'm 21. It's not that time yet for me. Part of me does want to start dating at some point, and to take at least a couple steps down that road.
But an overwhelming part of me is terrified to the bone. Instinctively, I align myself closely with John Calvin's theology on the total depravity of man.* I do not trust people. I hate being open, I hate sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and I hate with the passion of a fiery supernova crying in front of people.** I'm not saying I want to change my feelings on that matters so I share everything without discrimination. There is, I think, a healthy balance between being creepily open and completely paranoid.
I fall heavily onto the paranoid side of the spectrum, and that isn't a good thing. The thought of having to be emotionally vulnerable around someone makes me want to start digging that tunnel to China. If I think about it for too long, I start getting physically panicked, twitchy muscles and closing throat and everything.
So...yeah. I don't have much else to say. I have no answers on how to fix this. I can't fix this. This is something that's going to take time, prayer, and maybe a couple minor miracles.
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*But I thoroughly disagree with John Calvin's hatred of art. That's another dissertation, though.
**By my count, exactly ten people have ever seen me break down and cry. Yes, I've kept count. It's terrifically healthy, I know.
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